


Tír na nÓg

by venomousOctopus



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Friends(???) with Benefits, M/M, Mentions of Sex, New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers, Phantom pain, postgame vr au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-18 01:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16107818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venomousOctopus/pseuds/venomousOctopus
Summary: Tsumugi was cruel, Kaito knew, selfish and manipulative and more than anything, she needed to control the emotions of those around her, latch onto something so that she had a pillar to base herself off. Whether it be as a hero, or as a villain, as a writer, or a mastermind, it didn’t matter to her. He knew the feeling too intimately. If he said this exact thing to get them to do this exact act, even if it was nothing but fear and hatred, maybe that was better than no one thinking anything of him at all.





	Tír na nÓg

**Author's Note:**

> i actually rly love postgame vr aus and the potential for character development through that. in this case, i personally rly hate the way kaito was written so i wrote this partly as a way to address it and to remind people that he's kind of a douchebag (SERIOUSLY HE IS, EVEN IF YOU DONT PLAY THE JAPANESE VERSION HES THE EMBODIMENT OF TOXIC MASCULINITY)  
> That being said, I still stan, and this ship is one of my absolute favourites, so.

Maybe it was pity that still kept him by her side. No matter how much she despised it, hated it, wanted to be noticed for  _ anything _  besides that. He couldn’t justify it anyway else. She was a sad person, clutching onto the tattered memories and remnants of a show the world had moved on from. A show that the world hated her for, that she doomed to irrelevance. She always said that boredom was worse than any death could ever be, and holding her like this, with heavy coughs ripping through his lungs but no blood to accompany them, Kaito found that he agreed.

Tsumugi flinched whenever he coughed now. He could never tell if it was actual guilt creeping into her heart or simply a reflex. Her hands tracing over his chest and the soft sigh she breathed before cuddling closer made him hope it was the former. But she never looked at him completely, always something beyond him, and every kiss of hers felt like a cold lock against his skin. She kept her feelings more hidden than her break-out character ever did, and though Kaito felt he could understand Ouma now, unravelling the spool of lies Tsumugi sewed proved far more difficult.

It’s been 3 months since Danganronpa ended, and about 2 months since they’ve been released from the rehabilitation center. Tsumugi said that a typical post-show rehabilitation took several months, and required memories of the game to be erased completely, in some cases. Shit luck they’ve had, being the last cast of a failed show’s season.

Tsumugi turned the tv on reflexively, stared blankly for a few minutes, then shut it off when she realized it was another sitcom. Always at 7pm, on the dot. He laughed, at first, hooked his arm around her shoulder and told her to stop dwelling on the past. The words felt like someone else’s, like memories of a script- of someone who was  _ positive _  and a  _ leader _  and, at least Tsumugi was laughing now.

She would kiss him, hold him, clutch onto him like he was the only thing keeping her afloat, and in a way, maybe he was. They had no one else to turn to, no home to return to. Too awful and undeserving of anyone but each other.

 

xxxxx

 

The rehabilitation centre was familiar to her. She knew it was an inevitability as soon as they hired her, around season...48? Tsumugi, age 17, was an intern back then. She helped write scenarios, set up social media presences, organized and cut all potential auditioners, until they finally let her set up a killing game of her own for 53.

She was ecstatic. Who wouldn’t be? Finally, she could mark herself in this world. All the thoughts and ideas she had swimming in her head, written among pages and pages of spiral bound notebooks and scrap pieces of paper; she could finally share it with the world. Who would be the favourite, she wondered. Who would people find comfort in? She knew enough of past seasons and favourites to give a liiitle push to certain characters (people liked antagonists that were prettyboys way more than girls, right? And ooooh how about a tragic romance. Those were always big hits.)

She threw them all out now. Character notes and relationship charts, potential arcs and little headcanons, dumped in landfills along with broken Monokuma toys and merchandise of characters no one would buy anymore. With the show cancelled permanently, Team DR no longer had the money to go through the full post-show rehabilitation process, but at least the basics were necessary. Some exercise and therapy so the body works after the prolonged VR and unconscious state, some socialization and reintegration for cast members to get used to the world, some flashback lights to return the memories of their pregame lives, and of course, some therapy for those that died.

Even if they couldn’t get through the full process, a bit should be fine, right?

And Tsumugi was fine. She knew it was coming. She didn’t need any memories of her previous life because they were never taken from her to begin with. (And it wasn’t as if it mattered, everything else was inconsequential compared to all her memories with Danganronpa). The sharp pain across her entire body, so heavy and crushing that she couldn’t move- she could ignore it. (Dying from a rock was bound to cause some lingering after-effects.) No one except the nurses talked to her, but that was fine. It was hard to let go of grudges, even when they were fake. (They did  _ all _  sign up for it, but she didn’t blame them.) Hoshi still froze whenever Kirumi walked by, Himiko and Tenko did everything they could to avoid Korekiyo, and both Miu and Gonta grimaced whenever they saw Ouma.

It was just plain natural. Plain human nature.

And even if Danganronpa was dead, her classmates weren’t. Oh, it was so fun just watching them, sometimes. How  _ poor _  Saihara dealt with his friends being alive this entire time, the relief and hope that came with him meeting Kaede and Kaito again. The initial hope- and eventual despair when they both realized the truth of what happened. It was almost like watching an OVA.

She wasn’t a part of it this time, but they were still her creations, and she never wanted it to end.

“Shut up!”

Tsumugi perked up, that was Kaede’s voice.

“Stop following me around all the time, Saihara, don’t you  _ get _  it?”

“W-what do you mean?” Saihara mumbled.

“I’m not  _ her _ ”

Tsumugi chanced a glance towards the scene, and frowned. Gone was the cute, plucky protag she wrote for Kaede Akamatsu- and the cute little despair she wrote too. Kaede was livid, colder than she had ever seen her.

“I was just- a pointless little pity bait! Just someone to die that the audience could feel bad about!”

“N-no, that’s not true! You gave us all a reason to keep trying and beat the mastermind, it was only because of you that-”

“And now what? You want me to keep encouraging you? We’re done with the game, Saihara. And nothing fucking changed for me”

Ohhhhh. She got parts of her memories back, huh. Shame.

“What do you mean?” Saihara stepped back, recoiling into himself like he had in the first chapter.

“I’m not a pianist, I’m never... _ never _  going to be like that”

Kaede looked kind of sad, then. She still hadn’t removed the pin from her hair, and now that Tsumugi thinks about, hadn’t she always had that?

“I’m just going to stay like this forever, maybe I could’ve, I dunno, I thought danganronpa could’ve changed my mind”

“Even if it was all fake, our memories together were real, weren’t they? You aren’t what you used to be, Akamatsu, so-”

“Easy for you to say, you actually  _ did _  something! You had your character development! You had your arc! I died three days in, and planning that murder was the only real part of me!”

Shuichi was silent then, awkwardly scratching his arm with one hand as every retort died on his lips. It was kind of sad seeing him like this when he always seemed to know exactly what to say on the grand stage of the class trial.

“I...I’m sorry” he said, glancing to the ground to avoid looking at her.

“Just, stay away from me.”

Tsumugi hugged the wall when Kaede stormed past her, and was it because of her anger or Tsumugi’s own unobtrusiveness that she didn’t notice her? (Probably the former, everyone else avoided her like she was a shark in a reef). That fight was interesting, she could imagine now how it could look on screen if it was filmed. The meta self commentary of what happened in the season, maybe that would’ve made things better for all of those disappointed fans-

Well, it didn’t matter now

Kaede didn’t look at her after either. Whether it be when they passed by each other in the too-sanitized hallways, or whether it was in the cafeteria, everyone spaced out from each other and no sound except for the clinks of forks. Whenever Kaede thought Tsumugi wasn’t looking, Tsumugi would notice the way the blonde would touch her neck. Her feather light assurance that- Tsumugi. She caused this. Both in the game and out, Tsumugi was to blame, and if that made her feel better, Tsumugi found that she didn’t mind much.

Still, she missed her bright smiles and warm gaze. Her assurance that nothing would happen, her confidence when she held her hand and promised to stop the person who put them through this. (Tsumugi laughed). Kaede and her were both too passionate about their hobbies, stuck in their own world, and when Kaede promised to break through hers to find new things to do together, Tsumugi couldn’t help but feel her heart catch in her throat.

(It was all fake, of course. She wrote her to be cool and suave and charismatic. Passionate in her interests but happy to share it and people  _ noticed _  her.  _ Loved _  her. She was everything Tsumugi wasn’t, so she was happy to bask in that love Kaede gave her, let herself giggle and blush whenever she held her hands like Tsumugi was the most interesting person in the world to her. She was happy to break her apart, see her choke and splutter while everyone looked on in horror. Force everyone to acknowledge that even someone so  _ kind _  would murder in this game.)

But it was all gone now. She’s just boring now. And with that, the Kaede that she loved (the Kaede that she manufactured, all for herself), was dead

  
  


xxxxxx

 

Kaito hated himself. Hate hate hate. How could Saihara and Maki even look at him after everything he did. Were they brainwashed? Did they really have no one better? Seeing their hopeful faces made him sick, or was that because of his disease? The doctors always assured him that there was nothing wrong with his body so  _ why did he feel like he’s gonna vomit his organs out, goddamit. _

Maybe that was for the better. He could always make some excuse to stay in his room. “He’s recovering” “He’s resting” “He can’t go outside today”. It’s not like the nurses can say shit, and he didn’t even have to talk to Maki and Shuichi himself.

They did force him to go to the cafeteria, though. Told him he needed to walk sometimes for his ‘physical rehabilitation’. Most of the others already went through the process, but apparently he was a special case so they gave him his memories back first.

All the fucking good that did him.

Kaito remembered the blood, his broken knuckles that thrummed with his heartbeat but no pain with it, he remembered laughing and cackling at the poor sap with a broken nose, rib, teeth scattered across the pavement- white spots on a pool of blood. People were fucking pathetic, he remembered. They could talk shit but cried when the wolf bit back. The power was intoxicating, no one fucking messed with him, and he felt that- if they feared him, there was nothing he couldn’t do.

That was all a lie, of course. He knew that whenever he had to get home, eventually.

Kaito knew more than anyone that he wasn’t bound for anything, no one ever let him forget it back then. No matter what he did, he was still an idiot, made too little money to get anywhere, had too low scores to get any status, and too damn reckless for anyone to take him seriously. He  _ hated _  it. He hated how they were  _ right _ . But with the money and fame, he could’ve been someone. A deadly Blackened who killed everyone, there was something charming about that, right? He could’ve gotten enough to move out, do whatever the fuck he wanted, but with the show cancelled, the dread that came with each passing day never faded.

(Or was it that stupid virus they gave him, again.)

“Momota, we need to talk”

Kaito didn’t make any reaction, but he could already feel the onslaught of a headache. To her credit, the nurse looked apologetic, but standing next to Maki with the full power of her death glare, he could understand how she barged her way in.

He sighed exasperatedly. “What do you want.”

“You’re avoiding us” It wasn’t a question.

“And? I’m sick. Ain’t the nurses tell ya that?”

“It’s been 2 weeks. You never even say hi to us, or eat breakfast with us-” he could tell Maki wanted to add ‘anymore’ but held herself back.

“Whenever I feel better, I’ll come around-”   
  
“Do you hate us?”

She sounded so vulnerable, then. So weak and sad like that time he was going into the spaceship, and promised them that he’d be fine, and that they should keep going with their lives, and-

Ugh, he was going to be sick.

“...No”

“Then  _ why _ ?!”

“I just- I’m  _ sick _  alright?”

I don’t want to see you or Shuichi. You shouldn’t  _ like _  me.

“Is it your old self?” she said, with timidity that never suited her. “Because...it doesn’t, matter now. It shouldn’t…”

Ugh. She didn’t  _ get _  it. He was never a good fucking person. The show- Tsumugi just, gave him that, and even then, it was all nothing but grandiose bluffs, stupid recklessness and empty words lifted straight from a shounen anime like it was meant to be  _ inspiring _ . It was all so sickeningly fake.

“Don’t fucking talk like you know me, Harukawa.” He was getting so sick, sick sick sick, he just wanted her to  _ leave _ . “Didn’t Tsumugi tell you, all that shit was fiction, ain’t it?”

Maki flinched.

“Just- leave.” He said, “You’d never have fucking liked me if it wasn’t for the show”

The nurse didn’t breathe when Maki stood dead silent in the middle of the room. The girl’s stoic nod was almost imperceptible and she turned around and slammed the door shut behind her so quick that he wondered if she still had the remnants of her assassin skills. The air felt so cold, but Kaito did nothing, simply gesturing to the nurse for an advil before curling himself around the blankets.

He just wanted to- sleep. Dreams of stars and galaxies still came to him, but all it did now was fill him with bitterness.

 

xxxxx

 

It was an idle afternoon, and Tsumugi was in the hospital’s courtyard. It’s been 3 weeks since they were all admitted into the rehabilitation center, and it was getting more and more difficult to see the traces of what she wrote. She didn’t mind if her characterization went off the rails a little bit (after all, what’s the fun in knowing  _ everything _ ) but everything was getting too muted. Too downcast and too ordinary. The air was still, and even among the patches of flowers and the fences of morning glories, it still felt as clinical as the rest of the place. Still, the grass felt nice on her feet, and the glass walls made it easy to look at the others whenever they passed by. None of them spared her a glance, of course.

She perked up when she heard the whoosh of the automatic doors, and the sounds of people arguing. Hiding behind a brush, she tried to make herself seem as unobtrusive as possible.

“Why can’t you just let me-  _ fuck _ , Let go!”

“This is for your own good Momota.” said one of the nurses, Tsumugi remembered her giving her that numbing serum, one time.

“Just let me sleep, dammit-”

“According to the doctors, you’re getting too isolated. They believe that your lack of activity is causing a relapse in your placebo effect” said the other nurse.    


“ _ Good _ , let me get sick! I’d rather-” Kaito spotted her then. She supposed it couldn’t be helped, with the way every part of his body stood on edge, his eyes darting around the room like an animal cornered.

“Get out.” He hissed.

Did he not want to seem weak in front of her, or did he hate what she did? From what little of the things she had heard about Kaito, it could’ve been either.

“Shirogane, I wasn’t aware you were here” One of the nurses- she was the one who told her the cancellation news from the producers- said.

“Oh. Sorry. Do you want me to leave?”

“Well-” the nurse looked at Kaito, who was bristling.

“Ah, you want him to get some much needed fresh air, right?” Tsumugi clapped her hands, giving an innocent smile. “That’s fine, I’ll just be here, you won’t even notice me-”   


“Shut the fuck up! Drop that stupid act already!”

“ _ Momota _ .” The nurse whispered in warning.

“What act? I’m just trying to enjoy the gardens too”

“That fucking- don’t act like you don’t know what you  _ did _ ”

Kaito was angry. More irritated and angry than she had ever seen him in the game. Tsumugi didn’t see him much in the halls, but both Maki and Shuichi talked about him, sometimes. There was guilt embedded deep into him, it was as obvious as a brand burned onto his skin. Maybe it wasn’t what she wrote, but there was a missed opportunity with what his audition tape gave her, his bravado and charisma, twisted into something more...natural. Something more  _ raw _ .

In a boring, worthless world like this, she had to get her kicks somewhere.

“Hm… I dunno, Momota, could it be anything worse than what you did?”

“Wha-”

“ _ Shirogane. _ ”

Tsumugi ignored the nurses. Right now, it was only her and Kaito. She always felt like- the mastermind role was perfect for her. Nothing had given her the hum and sheer ecstasy of power that her full reveal had given her. It was intoxicating, holding the hope and despair of her classmates in the palm of her hands, will which way the story would go by her own words.

(Saihara cut the strings though, and in the end, she had no power at all. Junko would have loved that unexpected despair, but to Tsumugi, it only made her feel empty.)

“How many lives have you ruined, Momota.”

“The fuck are you talking ‘bout”   
  
“Don’t play dumb~” her voice lilted, “I might’ve written this season but you guys are all safe, right? How many bones have you broken? Teeth have you ripped?”

Tsumugi could hear the nurses saying something, but it didn’t register. Kaito stared at her, colour draining from his face, his hands twitching. He must be completely  _ aching _  to punch her, but he probably knew better than anyone that would only make things worse.

“I might have done some bad things, but it was all  _ fictional _ , right?” She spat out the word, her calm smile falling into a sneer for just a second. “Can you really say I’m worse than someone like you?”

“ _ Shut up! _ ”

“Make me.”

She felt the rush of air before she saw him leap, and was even a bit disappointed when she didn’t feel his hands on her. The nurses- bless their poor souls- used everything they had to hold him back. Kaito’s glare was terrifying, she had no doubt that he really could’ve killed everyone if she had given him the chance.

“Momota… Kaito. Isn’t it nice that you hate me this much?” She said with a giggle, putting her arms behind her back.

“Bitch- let me  _ go! _ ”

The nurses winced, tightening the hold they had around Kaito’s arms and tugged him back. “Shirogane, please, will you-“

Tsumugi continued, completely unperturbed. “I think you need someone to hate, right? Back in the game, you hated Ouma. Before that you hated everybody. Now, it’s me. It makes you feel better, doesn’t it? Hating someone else is so much easier than hating yourself.”

Kaito stopped struggling, replacing a glare full of unspoken threats with a stare that reflected fear. Tsumugi smirked, and in the end he really was just  _ so _  easy to read.

“The doctors are right you know, you need to get out more” she stepped closer, “What’s the harm in it being with lil’ ol’ me?”

“You’re fucked,”

“I guess there’s no point denying it, huh”

“Don’t you have anything better to do than torment me?” He spat. “What, do you get off to despair like Enoshima did?”

“And what if I did?”

“Then shouldn’t you be just  _ thrilled _  with all this?”

She cocked her head, her smile faltering for only a moment, and immediately the other man smirked.

“Everyone’s fuckin’ miserable, your show ended, and we’d all be thrown back to the wolves as soon as team dr thinks we’re good enough.” Kaito shrugged off the nurses, his sharp eyes locked onto Tsumugi’s. “You should be having the time of your damn life”

“I am, actually.”

“Bullshit” he spat. And- maybe she underestimated him. His gaze felt too piercing and Knowing. Like Saihara and Ouma and Kaede and- she shook her head. What did  _ he _  know?

“You look like a dead girl walking, Shirogane.”

“Huh?”

“It’s just, you look just as miserable as the rest of us. Tormenting me is the most fun you’ve had in a while, huh”

She stared at him. The edge she thought she had was swept from beneath her,  _ again _ , and she wanted nothing more than to run back to her room and pretend this never happened. She wanted to tell him he was wrong. Tsumugi couldn’t really, the reality of the situation finally hitting her all at once. Crashing around her like the remains of a school she considered more home than anywhere else. She could pretend otherwise, but it was  _ over _ , and just like him. Just like she told Saihara: once they were out, she had nothing to go back to.

“...So”

“So?”

“So what. That doesn’t change anything, does it?” her voice was more bitter now. Resigned. Tsumugi thought she was over this.

“Get a goddamned hobby, maybe?”

“What’s even the point. Danganronpa is over, isn’t it?”

He looked at her, not with the pity and fear the nurses had (patronizing and careful like she was a fragile little  _ thing _ ) but rather, with irritation. He groaned loudly, throwing his head back exasperatedly. “Just- fine I guess, whatever. Stay here if you wanna. The doctors are probably forcing you into this too”

The nurses looked between each other, and whispered- they did that before telling her something, like how she should eat, or that she slept for too long or- and one of them nodded. She almost forgot they were there, too wrapped up in her own show.

“Shirogane, your next appointment is due in 15 minutes, please make sure you’re in room 137 by then.”

She blinked, and sighed. The tremor in her voice was gone, and she replied with a sing-song “Is it-?"

Kaito scoffed.

“And you- Momota, I trust you to stay here for the time being?”

“Yeah yeah, got it”

The moment died as it came, and Tsumugi was happy to have the weight of his words and gaze fall away from her. As she was leaving, she looked back to see that he had sat on one of the benches. Without anyone else, he was finally taking the moment to actually look at the flowers and, for a second he looked almost… relaxed.

She passed by her classmates in the hallways, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at them. What happens next in the Angie/Himiko/Tenko love triangle? How does Ouma learn to cope with the tragedy he was given? What about Kirumi and her reason for living? Korekiyo and the reputation he was given? All arcs that she couldn’t wait to get a day-by-day update on- but now she couldn’t look at them without wondering why any of it mattered.

 

xxxxx

 

They were released on a sunny spring morning; or kicked out, more like. The cherry blossoms falling in the breeze made the day feel like a grand graduation ceremony, and Kaito couldn’t help but bark out a bitter laugh. He knew Team DR’s funds must be running dry, so they could really only do as much as they can to not get sued. And if that meant giving them all some cash to keep their mouths shut, then who was he to refuse.

Tsumugi stood under a cherry tree, looking down at her envelope with a blank look on her face. It was something he saw on her a lot, back in the hospital. Maki and Shuichi already left. They probably meant to speak to him before but... he thought about his last conversation with the former assassin and sneered. No. Probably not. Tsumugi herself didn’t even look up when he leaned against the tree, and it took a kick to her shin to snap her out of her reverie. (The blank look was gone for a second when she winced in pain, and he thought that look suited her far more).

“Yo, how much did you get?”

“....Enough”

“Enough? For  _ what _ ?”

“Enough” she adjusted her glasses, and sighed. She still had the blank look in her eyes, like everything was just  _ so  _ boring, so pointless. It was irritating as hell, especially since he  _ knew _  she got more money than any of them did.

His teeth clenched. If he had student loans, it wouldn’t have been enough to pay for even a third of it. Money is money, but even if he were to get a job, it wouldn’t be enough to survive for more than a few months. And once the pay fizzles out- he felt sick again. There was no way he could go back home.

She was walking away now, and he reflexively reached out to grab her arm. There was a bit of spark in Tsumugi’s eyes when she looked back; was it fear, anger, something else? Either way, it was fitting on her- far more fitting than those same expressions she put up as a front in the game.

“Wait-” He blinked, rooted in spot as he stared at the woman blankly. Her expression was that of curiosity now. “Uh-”

“...Yes?”

“Er...let’s be roommates”

“...What?”

“You heard me. It would be cheaper, don’t ya think?”

She appraised him then, like back in the courtyard garden, and he had to bite back the insults that threatened to explode out of him. Back off, don’t fucking look at me- he wanted to say, but this was the only chance he got, so he only gave her a challenging glare back.

“...Why?”

“What- what do you mean,  _ why _ ? It would be cheaper” he grumbled.

“Why me?” Her tone was oddly emotionless. Not sad, not hopeful, but words spoken as plain as descriptions in a dictionary. It hit him now that something about her seemed off, and her declaration in the season finale played through his mind.

_ I’d rather die than live in a world without Danganronpa _

What a worthless waste, after all she did.

“You’re the only bitch here worse than me” he said, a smirk on his face.

She laughed, then. “You still hate yourself  _ that _  much, huh” Her eyes glowed, and in the back of his mind, he thought she looked beautiful like this.

“Maybe. So, you in or not?”

“How can I reject such an honest proposal” Tsumugi leaned against the tree with a smile, tracing the bark with her finger.

“Hehe, you know- there’s probably a bunch of LNs with this kind of plot,”

“Gee, tell me more, Shirogane” he rolled his eyes.

She took that as a cue to do exactly that, and though Kaito thought it to be irritating and stupid (seriously, how many of these involved step siblings), the bile that seemed ever-present in the pit of his throat finally felt like a second thought.

 

xxxxx

 

It was odd, Kaito thought, standing on the roof of a building like this. The character Tsumugi gave him would have oooh’d and ahhh’d. He’d point up at the night sky with defiance and say some shit about conquering the vast space. Maybe it was getting to him. He only ever saw these spaces as a retreat, so high above everything else that maybe, just maybe he could pretend that all the dots that milled about between the neon lights were as inconsequential as the ants he played with in grade school. The cool air and the hushed mumble of traffic which he once used to revel in, was now too cold to comfort, and too loud to ignore. The stars he used to think he stood at level with pressed down on him, the blackness and the moons and the stars and the clouds mocking him for ever dreaming that he’d shoot beyond them. Not among the stars as his in-game self, poisoned with an illness that doomed his fate to a noble sacrifice, and not as his ‘real’ self, forgotten and thrown aside by the audience’s whims and interests.

How ironic, thinking he was sticking it to mastermind back then. That going along with Ouma’s plans and ruining their show and breaking out of his so-called role only threw him back where he fucking started. He wondered if Ouma regretted it too.

Kaito glanced over at Tsumugi, who leaned herself over the railings, staring up at the stars with an unreadable expression on her face. His chest ached and his throat felt raw, and no matter what, no matter when, there was an ever-present nausea that gripped him since waking. As much as Tsumugi liked to pretend otherwise, the game left its own scars. Even he noticed when her knees buckled, when she curled into herself and bit her lips to halt the whimpers she tried so desperately to hide. He couldn’t imagine what phantom pain some of the others had, what kind of nightmares gripped their nights, but would it have been worth it for a better life than  _ this _ ? Would the killing and fear and pain- endless pain exploited for the entertainment of their audience been worth it? Would just playing their roles and walking down the path strewn for them give them what they seeked to begin with?

If any of them were like him, maybe Tsumugi was right, in the end.

“Yo, stop leaning so far, the rails aren’t exactly sturdy.”

She perked up, and flashed her trademark smile- saccharine and rehearsed like every part of her. “Aw, are you calling me fat? That isn’t a nice thing to say to a girl, you know”

“If you get your stupid ass killed, I’d be kinda screwed so,” he scratched the back of his head.

“Then you could join me, can’t you?”

“Bitch, can you just- stop messing around?”

“Would you die with me?” she said, standing on the edge of the roof like nothing mattered, giggling like she was telling a joke only she understood.

He saw red-red red red, the blood on his knuckles, the blood of his coughs, the blood of Kokichi squashed so easily like a mere mosquito under his hands- and he grasped her forearm, yanking her off the edge and to face him instead.

(And wasn’t that always the case? Words were always worthless, his hands and fists a language that he grew to be fluent in. He couldn’t make anyone listen to him anyway else.)

“Shut up! Stop fucking around!”

“You’re too serious.” she murmured.

But Tsumugi didn’t seem displeased, her smile seeming all the more unnerving and  _ natural _  now. It scared him, but he didn’t hate it either. Instead of breaking away from his hold, she only took a step closer. The gentle scent of moringa flowers- probably from that gaudy tub of body butter she kept in the bathroom, standing out among the generic no brand shampoos and soap- lingered at the edges of his senses, just close enough to be distracting.

“Can’t you take a little joke, Kaito-?”

He wanted to let go of her, he wanted to keep her close. He didn’t even know why he came up here, why he wanted to show her this. What was he expecting? Someone to hang onto his every word, look at him and believe him like he was the most  _ wonderful _  person in the world. Like Shuichi. Like Maki. (Even when it was all empty words and bravado, a flimsy character cloaked in dazzling speeches and shining smiles)

“You’re reaaally starting to sound like Ouma, ya know that?”

“It’s more fun than being a plain girl, isn’t it?”

“Maybe you should cut that crap instead.” He tugged on her arm again. “Life isn’t some goddamn television show!”

“It’s easier to pretend, isn’t it?”

There was silence, the cold hair hanging around them like a thick fog, everything muting except for the rush of his own blood. He didn’t move when she placed her free hand on his arm. Only stood and stared when she leaned up. Every moment felt torturously slow, each subtle change of her body an individual snapshots of a stop motion film, and even then, Kaito couldn’t-  _ didn’t _  want to move.

When she pressed her soft lips against his, he was still frozen. He felt like he should be,  _ doing _  something, and hesitantly put his hand against the bend of her back, strands of her silky hair ghosting against his knuckles. That’s what it was supposed to be like in the films right? A first kiss that should’ve answered all his questions, resolved every bit of uneasiness and the butterflies that lurched in the pit of his stomach. She smiled, rested her head in the crook of his neck, and the answers only seemed harder to grasp, Tsumugi even less easier to understand.

“You’re really fucked up, Shirogane.”

“Aren’t you lonely too? Why else would you bring me here?”

“...Do you even want this?”

“I told you, it’s easier to pretend.”

He combed a hesitant hand through her navy-blue hair, and reveled in the way she nuzzled closer. There was still something about this that seemed so  _ wrong _  but he couldn’t be bothered to pinpoint it. The warmth radiating off her was all the more comforting in the chill of the night air, and if he closed his eyes, he could pretend that they were both better than all this.

 

xxxxx

 

Love was no longer familiar to her. Or maybe it never was. Tsumugi never loved anyone, too wrapped up in the love she had for the fictional, a world that would enthrall her season by season, episode by episode. Nothing mattered when she had that world to delve into. What’s the point in crying tears for your life when you could shed it for a tragic trial, trials that ripped her heart into shreds and mended it with the protagonist’s defiant hope. The happiness and sadness all felt so viscerally in the confines of a little black laptop screen tucked into the corner of her room.

Anger so raw, powerful, but never too close, never too  _ real.  _ Fear so gripping, paralyzing but locked away in a world she could control. Fiction wasn’t real, fiction was freedom. She could pretend to be whatever she liked, lie and lie and lie and it would all be true.

Shirogane Tsumugi: the Junko Enoshima fangirl, the superfan, the DR intern, the mastermind. The villain of this story, the villain of  _ her _  story, and with it all gone, every pillar that propped her up shattered into meaningless titles. She might as well have died, back then.

Kaito held her like she mattered (even if it was only for his own sake, even if his hands on her hips and the bites on her neck were a desperate plea for someone to pay attention to him). The light of the spotlight was far greater than his lone gaze, but still, it was enough. She wanted him to kiss her until he left marks, guide her on him with rough hands and no hesitation. Feel the heat of his skin on hers pretending-  _ pretending _  like this would be enough, that it could curb the restlessness and dread that came seeping in with boredom.

It worked, well enough. Maybe she was desperate in seeking him out, needy in how she whined his name, played up every cliche she saw in all those horrendous hentai videos with no shame. (He never seemed to like it, muttering about how fake it all was, but really, he was a fool for expecting otherwise).

Tsumugi still couldn’t help but turn on the television at 7pm, and every time, Kaito would lead her away with a kiss on her neck and a tug on her arm.

 

xxxxx

 

It’s been 4 months since the game ended, and kissing Tsumugi’s cheek when he woke up had become routine now, as was her ripping open a packet of furikake for the rice he cooked last night. It was a Yokai Watch one today, dried fish flavor, and Kaito sleepily opened the fridge to grab an egg, cracking it open over the bowl that Tsumugi already set out for him. She was wearing one of his shirts that particular morning, the stupid white one he had in the game with the kabuki-styled pattern, and he couldn’t help but smirk.

“Why do you still have this shirt, anyway” Tsumugi asked, breaking the silence that would otherwise permeate their breakfasts.

“Maybe ‘cause good shirts cost money? Why the fuck you wearing it?”

“It was on the ground and I was sleepy. Unlike you, I had a shift yesterday”

“Didn’t stop you from going three rounds last night”

She glared at him, and he barked out a laugh. It felt natural, for once. “Babe, do you need a massage? You seem reeaal tense”

“Nah, you could do something else for me instead” she smirked, twirling the end of her chopsticks in his direction.

“ _ This _  early? Don’t you have a shift, darlin’”

“Mm, you’re right. You never do hold back”

“Only because you never want me to”

She giggled, a flush spreading across her cheeks. It was strange how ordinary this seemed, how the sight of her like this- beyond their rehearsed and indulgent trysts- left him feeling right, somehow. Tsumugi was still a mystery, and he doubts she would ever tell him anything about her life, but it was hard to write off reflexive reactions. That was the problem with knowing someone for too long, he supposed, you become fluent in the language they don’t ever expect you to decipher.

The kisses on cheeks, the ‘goodbyes’ and ‘take cares’, their quiet breakfasts, lying in bed together after she comes back from work to watch reruns of DR on her laptop, finding the specific curry packet she liked, the specific drinks she liked, and gravitating towards them whenever he went grocery shopping- it was all so sickeningly domestic. It was a natural course of action, a play to put on to keep their farce going, running through the motions to pretend that either of them had someone else to come home to.

When did it stop becoming a lie, he didn’t know.

 

xxxxx

 

It’s been 6 months since the show ended, and Tsumugi, in a long while, wondered how her other classmates were doing. Something like curiosity nagged at her, and she left the side of the bed she shared with Kaito, opening up her laptop in the middle of the night.

The dim light of the screen reflected in her glasses, and she shivered, forgetting that maybe she should have put something on before doing all this. The clacking of her keyboard felt too loud in the still room, and she already dreaded the rustle of the sheets, the heavy footsteps coming up behind her to-

Put a cardigan on her? She turned to look up at him, and Kaito only looked sleepy.

“The fuck you doin’?” he mumbled.

“Just...researching something, I guess.”

“At-” he squinted, looking at the corner of the laptop, “-2 am?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Can’t this wait until morning? It’s real cold without you-”

“No.”

She could feel Kaito’s unimpressed glare at her, but he didn’t leave her side, instead, leaning over the chair to stare at the screen.

Just as she expected, it was difficult to find any information about them. Why would she? The usual gossip of who stayed with who, who moved onto different career paths, who was fighting with who, the tabloid whirlwinds of all the ins and outs of their lives were only as relevant as the audience’s interest in them. There was no point talking about any of them now. Though Shuichi did get a few articles talking about his accomplishments, none of them gave any information on what he was actually doing. Their names glared up between the pages of various phone directories, but that was too  _ direct _ .

Tsumugi leaned back in her chair and sighed.

“Soooo, what  _ were _  you doing?”

“Kaito, do you still wonder what Saihara and Harukawa are up to?”

He froze, and his voice was cautious when he replied. “...Why?”

“I guess it’s just...I just wonder, you know” she pushed the chair away from the desk, curling the cardigan closer around herself. “I guess I’ve always wanted things to end neatly, at the end.”

He sighed in exasperation, the irritation on his face echoing the expression he had in the courtyard, all those months ago. “We ain’t your characters anymore ‘Mugi, give it a rest already”

“I...know that.” she sounded- not quite sad, simply contemplative. “I still want to know. Don’t you?”

“This  _ really _  can wait until morning, babe”

Tsumugi looked at him, and yawned, shutting the laptop closed before returning to the now familiar sheets. He bought a floral-patterned bed set last month, brushing off any questions about it with a shrug. This, along with all the other pieces they’ve bought, vases and novelty mugs, plants and carpets, month by month, week by week, made her wonder where exactly do they fall now?

Kaito liked plants, and soon, she learned she was quite fond of the succulents dotted around their apartment as well. Kaito tended to cook as he was unemployed for far longer than she was, and after trying (and failing) a recipe for mochi to celebrate him finally getting a job, she found herself sneaking back into the kitchen, reading and practicing the recipe again and again until she got it to perfection. Going out for beer in the local izakaya when they both got out early,  chatting with the housewives of their apartment complex about their sons and daughters (‘No, Taichi did  _ what _ ?” “Really, really!”). It was all so...plain.

But maybe that’s all the better now. Tsumugi resented her lack of presence, the lack of any Ultimate Talent, always pretending in identities she latched onto from the television screen. So deeply settled into it, she wondered if there was even a self underneath it all. There was no point worrying about it now, nestled in the arms of a man she had long since grown fond of, basking in comfort she had long since stopped pretending to feel. Even the guilt and desperation that followed Kaito like a shadow had mostly dissipated, and his smiles held the same bit of radiance that she sewed into him for the game. They were more subdued, more plain, lacking any of the flashiness of his character, and she realized that suited him far more. The memory of Kaede promising to find new hobbies together floated at the edges of her dreams, and she resolved to call her tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Some notes:
> 
> -Moringa body butters is a thing that exists and are sold at The Body Shop, theyre one of my favourite brands of moisturizers so i just, put it in for the fun of it  
> -Furikake are dried seasonings, usually consisting of dried fish, or eggs, sesame seeds, spices and dried seaweed. People tend to put it over plain cooked rice and eat it as is, and there are [themed packages](http://cdn.deepjapan.org/content/images/.user/_image2_1_dpm7Nw1416558454246.jpg) (like Pokemon, Pretty Cure, Yokai Watch, etc) that's meant to be for kids, and usually has a sticker in it.  
> -Izakayas are japanese pubs, usually serves beer and sake, and different appetizers


End file.
